You have fallen in love. You have been together for some time now. However, there is a sense that something feels off. Your connection has an unfinished quality to it as if something were lacking from it. It’s not as if your fiance treats you badly, and you aren’t in a state of complete misery, either. But if we’re being completely candid, you’re not exactly over the moon either.
It is difficult to express in words. You are aware, however, that this isn’t what you desire. However, you can’t help but doubt whether you’re being overly critical. You’ve finally found the long-term partner you’ve been looking for. Nevertheless, it is not quite the person you had envisioned for yourself. You are still in love with this person, but you are aware that the circumstances aren’t the same as they once were. You aren’t feeling fantastic and you aren’t feeling so terrible. Your predicament is not ideal, but it isn’t a deal-killer by any means.
You’re stuck somewhere between.
When it comes to love, you’re rudderless.
Because of how listless, aimless, and even a little bit melancholy you feel, this could be the most difficult experience you’ve ever had in a romantic relationship. But it’s not like you have no interest in the matter at all. This is only feasible if you don’t give a damn about anything. The issue stands because you’re overly concerned about everything, including your partner, your partnership, and the future. You are concerned enough to find out what is taking place.
You are left feeling devastated and hopeless, but there is no specific cause, and the way forward is unclear to you. It may feel impossible to decide your future with complete assurance. Your romantic partnership is not satisfying enough to warrant staying in it, but it is also not intolerable enough to warrant ending it. It is imperative that you figure out what is going on before the damage to your relationship can no longer be reversed.
The Three L’s That Comprise Being Lost in Love
It’s hard to believe, but even though you have a partner, you still have a strong sense of isolation. Despite this, it is your normal life. It’s possible that even though your partner is lying by your side while you watch TV, they aren’t there. You are speculating and providing observations, but they are eerily silent.
As you glance at your partner and discover that they are preoccupied with something else, such as looking at their social networks, email, sports results, share prices, or simply sleeping. You have the desire to impart your wisdom, but nobody is around to hear it. Despite their proximity, they are emotionally absent even though they are close in proximity. It should come as no surprise that absently watching Netflix is not the worst relationship crime in the world. However, it is frequently a symptom of more significant problems that may be brewing in the background.
According to research, a significant number of married people suffer from loneliness. This is significant because we readily acknowledge the possibility of experiencing loneliness after the end of a relationship, but we frequently fail to see how it can be a problem in relationships that are still going strong. The same body of research demonstrates that individuals whose spouses are especially high-maintenance and critical are more likely to experience feelings of loneliness.
In the end, the desire for solitude is a craving. It is a longing for the proximity and connectedness that is lacking in the relationship. When a fiancé or partner is emotionally absent, emotionally detached, struggles with attachment, or is self-absorbed, it is difficult to feel close to that person.
This dissonance gives rise to a sense of yearning or a pensive desire for something that one cannot quite have. You long for what you wished your relationship would be, but you’re painfully aware that it’s not living up to your expectations. To be more particular, you crave increased interaction, affection, affirmation, acknowledgment, regard, comfort, and growth.
It’s normal for people in relationships to feel longing. A study in which 1,300 adults were asked to explain their life’s yearnings discovered that a significant number of respondents centered on family and loving relationships, particularly when they expressed a powerful need for change.
Oddly, we make commitments to partners because we genuinely think that they will ultimately satisfy us in the long run. Because one of your relationships used to provide you with everything you desired, you are aware that it is possible to experience fulfillment.
However, there is no longer any doubt that the connection you share with your partner is not as strong as it once was. It does not make sense. What you desire is attainable and within your grasp, but you aren’t making any progress toward achieving it. Although you have what you necessitate to stay alive, you do not have what you require to thrive.
The feelings of isolation and yearning result in a state of languishing, which is characterized by a sense of coming up short, being unable to make headway, and the perception that there is little one can do to change the situation. The reverse of prospering is languishing, so to speak. The sensation of languishing is not the same as a full-blown, cut-and-dry emergency, but it is a clear realization that you now have what you require.
Relationships that are allowed to languish give the impression of being unfinished, directionless, and aimless. In other words, they are cornered. You are in a bind because you are aware of what it is that you desire, as well as the fact that you do not currently possess it, but you do not know how to obtain it.
Relationships that aren’t flourishing are held together not by love, deep attachment, or reciprocated fulfillment; rather, they’re held together by duty, idleness, or basic complacency. You are not only aware of the problems that exist, but you also lack the energy, inspiration, and knowledge necessary to fix them. People are left with the impression that they are stuck in a rut and are obligated to the relationship as a result.
Things aren’t terrible enough to warrant leaving, but they aren’t great enough for me to feel satisfied and content with staying either. The nature of languishing is such that it sneaks up on you like that. When this happens, you find yourself stuck in a pattern of persevering mediocrity, in which it becomes increasingly difficult to be average. All of these things cause you to feel… lost. You most certainly did not sign up for an emotional attachment that was only partially fulfilled.
Even Worse Than Being by Yourself
The problems of loneliness, longing and languishing may seem like something that only single people have to deal with. When you are by yourself, you may experience feelings of loneliness because you yearn for a committed relationship that you do not currently have. As a result, you may feel a sense of incomplete languishing. That is a common story that people tell themselves about being single. On the other hand, it illuminates a significant gap in our understanding of love.
Occasionally, we have the misconception that being in any relationship is preferable to being single. Nevertheless, even people who are in committed partnerships can struggle with these three issues. In a relationship that is drifting apart, you may have the impression that you are very close to achieving what you desire but you may also feel that you are very far away from actually accomplishing it. All of the essential components are there, but you’re still missing that one elusive element that pulls everything together. You get a glimpse of what a healthier relationship might be like, but you also recognize how your own falls short.
Make no mistake: Being single but desiring to be in a relationship is preferable to going through the three stages of love known as the three Ls. It’s the equivalent of hell in a relationship. At least if you’re single, you won’t be restricted in your ability to find the wonderful partner you truly desire. When you’re rudderless in a relationship, it means that you’re not getting what you want out of it and you can’t move on to a better partner. Either you must take in some fresh air or you need to get to work.
Reestablishing Your Connections With Yourself
One thing is abundantly clear, and that is the fact that you cannot continue in this manner. For you to make progress, you will need to sacrifice something. It’s time to put in the work by committing more time and energy to strengthen your partnership. To get started, just take baby steps.
Give It a Shot by Giving Some of Your Time
It only requires a non-negotiable, dedicated period of only 4 hours that is solely intended for you and your partner. A standard workweek consists of 168 hours. At the very least, 4 of them are owed to your relationship. You are free to divide up that time however you see fit, given that you are engaging in activities that are mutually beneficial to the two of you or that bring you closer together with your significant other.